Behind Brown Eyes Read online

  I’m going to be all alone tonight…

  My pulse quickened. God, why did she have to tell me this? She had to have known what that would do to me.

  I picked up my pace as I walked. I couldn’t deal with feeling like that; at least, not in public. I had to get home.

  I arrived home to find my aunt was out for the evening. The note she’d left on the kitchen counter said she’d be back around nine o’clock.

  I wasn’t feeling hungry enough to make dinner yet, so I made my way upstairs, collapsing on my bed in exhaustion. Realizing I hadn’t said anything back to Natalie, I typed out my reply.

  I guess I’m going to be alone for part of this evening as well.

  I reached over to my nightstand and pulled out one of my journals from the drawer. Situating myself comfortably, I sat up and re-read one of the poems I’d written to Natalie the first night I was in my new home.

  I hadn’t sent her the poem yet. I knew she would love it, but I also knew it would break her heart even more, and she didn’t need to feel any worse than she already did.

  Brilliant blue eyes,

  Like sapphires in the night,

  Your love collides with mine,

  Falling in love with you was easy,

  No fear, no fright.

  Even after re-reading it, I still loved it. It was one of my shorter poems, but it described us perfectly. If I did send it to her, it would be a reminder of what she was missing. Then again, I wanted to show her how much I still cared, so I decided to send it.

  I had the poem half-typed when I heard my phone go off again.

  We could make this a fun evening ;)

  My blood pulsated in my veins once more. I yearned for her, longing to taste her sweet lips again. But I couldn’t allow myself to go down this road. It wasn’t fair to either of us.

  We could be there emotionally for each other, on some level, but everything physical between us had already ceased to exist. We couldn’t fulfill each other in that way anymore, and it broke my heart knowing I couldn’t make love to her like I wanted to.

  CHAPTER 15

  _______

  Why didn’t you text me back last night?

  She was pissed. And she had every right to be. After she kept pressing the issue about video chatting, I’d shut my phone off. Childish, yes, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t want to do that with her.

  I’m sorry. I fell asleep.

  It was a lie she most likely wouldn’t believe. I hated lying to her, but I couldn’t manage to tell her the truth, and I hated myself for that.

  Can you call me tonight?

  I meant to respond back to her, but when I noticed the time on the clock, I realized I was running late for work, and I’d have to text her back later.

  “Running a little behind this morning, huh?” Tim asked as I walked into the shop.

  “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

  “No worries, kid. Hey, how’s your aunt doing?”

  The abrupt question caught me off guard.

  “Fine, I guess. Why?”

  “She stopped by yesterday before she went to her meeting. Said she wasn’t feeling real well.”

  Feeling utterly confused, I probed him for more information.

  “She hasn’t said anything to me, but I guess anything is possible. What was she here for? This doesn’t seem like a place she’d randomly stop by unless she had a reason to.”

  Tim’s cheeks flushed under harsh fluorescent lights as though the question made him uncomfortable.

  “Oh, you know, she’s got that book club and all, and she was dropping off a book for me to give to Jenni since Jenni called off work today.”

  I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, suddenly feeling like he wasn’t being honest with me. He was hiding something.

  But what?

  ♥♥♥

  My aunt picked at her dinner, which was unusual for her.

  “Everything ok?”

  “Well, my stomach has been acting up,” she said bleakly.

  She looked down at her plate, grimacing at the pasta and sauce strewn about her plate.

  “You know, it sounded so good when I found the recipe, but right now I just can’t bear to think about even eating it.”

  “Maybe you should go rest,” I offered.

  “Would you mind cleaning up, honey?”

  “I don’t mind at all. Go rest. I’ll take care of it,” I urged.

  My phone rang as I rinsed off a dirty plate, and I immediately shut off the water when I read Natalie’s name on the screen.

  “Wow, finally, you answer your phone!”

  Yep, there wasn’t any doubt. She was pissed.

  “I’m sorry. It’s been hectic, and I’ve been working a lot of hours. But I know that’s no excuse.”

  “I mean, how hard is it for you to just respond back? I’m not asking for you to carry on a conversation back and forth for hours on end, but could you at least say something? Anything?”

  Natalie’s sobbed, and I knew I had to do something to soothe her, though I wasn’t entirely sure what that would be.

  “You’re right. I need to be better at that,” I said in an effort to appease her.

  “Do you just not want to be together anymore?” she groveled.

  A mix of sadness and anger washed over me. Sadness for obvious reasons, and anger because I just couldn’t make her understand that this was just as hard for me as it was for her. And there wasn’t a damn thing at the present moment either one of us could do about it.

  My anger towards the situation got the best of me, and I stepped outside to get some fresh air. And I didn’t want my aunt to hear how heated the conversation was becoming.

  “You know I want to be with you. You know I love you! I hate when you question me like that. Why the hell would you think I wouldn’t want to be with you?” I yelled.

  In the time we were together, I never once got mad at her. I never once raised my voice. Yet there I was; losing my shit completely.

  I knew my misdirected anger was uncalled for, but I couldn’t control it any longer. I had to vent. To someone, something…hell, I didn’t care at that point. I had to let the frustration out.

  A long silence passed before I heard Natalie’s voice again.

  “Why are you yelling at me? I haven’t…I haven’t done anything wrong,” she said between sobs.

  “Look, I’m sorry. It was wrong. I’m just…I’m tired and I’m frustrated by this entire situation. I’m angry because I can’t do anything about this. There’s nothing in the world I want more than being with you again, Natalie. I wish there was something I could do, but—”

  “But, what? Look, if you don’t want to try and make this work, then just man up, and tell me.”

  The sobs were gone, and her once sorrow-filled voice was replaced with an icy tone. Man up and tell her? Who was she to tell me to man up?

  “I never said I didn’t want to make things work!”

  I couldn’t contain my exasperation.

  “Well, you’re sure as hell acting like it!”

  I paused, taking a deep breath to try and slow my pulsating heartbeat to keep my blood pressure from skyrocketing. How could she think this? I never said I didn’t want to be with her, I thought.

  “Really? That’s how you really feel, huh? Has it ever occurred to you that the reason I’m working so much is that I’m trying to save money, and get my life together?”

  “Save money for what? Moving back here? It’s going to take so much money for you to move back here, and I don’t know how you think this is going to work. How is it going to happen, Devin?”

  “Actually, that’s what I’m trying to do. I want to move back. Or at least I did. Until you started in with me with this crap about how you don’t think I care about you or this relationship anymore. You know I still love you.”

  “Well sometimes it doesn’t feel like it,” she said coldly.

  The anger was still boiling inside me, and her
words sliced into me like a razor.

  “I don’t know how to prove to you that I love you and want to be with you. What do you want me to say? I’m at a loss here. You know I’d give you the world if I could.”

  “I’m not so sure you would. You won’t even fight for us.”

  I thought I had been angry before, but when she said that, I came unglued.

  “What the hell do you want me to do? All you’re doing is making this harder on both of us when you act like this!”

  The only thing I heard next was a beeping sound.

  She hung up on me.

  CHAPTER 16

  _______

  First thing the next morning, I called her. The phone rang endlessly as I waited for her to pick up. But just as I’d figured, she didn’t answer. Shoving the phone back into my pocket, I set out to make my way to work.

  When I arrived, Tim was in his office.

  “Morning, Tim.”

  “Good morning, Devin. Hey, I’ve got a surprise for you. Why don’t you follow me?”

  “A surprise?”

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna like it,” he said with a laugh.

  “Well, here she is,” he said as he motioned to the Grand Marquis.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t really understand.”

  “She’s all yours.”

  “I thought this was a customer’s car?’ I asked, still feeling very confused.

  “It was, but he said he was tired of putting money into it. I asked him if he’d be willing to sell it and wash his hands of it, and he said yes, but only for the right price. I threw out a number, he agreed, and the rest is history. I was originally going to buy for myself, but then I remembered you still don’t have a car, so I want you to have her. You need a car, and now that everything’s been fixed, she’ll be a good ride for you.”

  I was genuinely stunned. I wasn’t expecting that at all.

  “Tim, I don’t know what to say. Wow. Thank you so much, but really, I can’t accept this. You didn’t have to do this for me.”

  “Aw, hell, I know I don’t have to, but a young man such as yourself needs a car. Plus, now that you’ll have a set of wheels again, you’ll be able to go visit that girlfriend of yours.”

  “I’m not sure that would be such a great idea right now,” I said flatly.

  “Something going on between you two?”

  “She doesn’t think I’m fighting for our relationship enough, and she’s afraid I don’t care about her anymore.”

  “Well, she’s just afraid to lose you. You have to let her know you still care.”

  “I’ve told her that so many times. It just doesn’t sink in. She’s stubborn like that.”

  “Just keep reminding her you care. Women like being reminded of that lot.”

  “Well, she hung up on me last night, and when I tried calling her this morning, she didn’t answer,” I said dryly.

  “Don’t give up on her.”

  ♥♥♥

  After my aunt and I had dinner, I excused myself to step outside and call Natalie. The phone rang three times before she picked up.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, I wanted to apologize for last night. I wanted to apologize to you this morning, but you didn’t pick up your phone when I called.”

  Immediately seeing the irony in my statement, I braced myself for her impending agitation.

  “I guess it’s not so funny when it’s coming right back at you, is it?” she said sarcastically.

  “I don’t find anything about this to be funny at all, actually.”

  “Well, now you know how I feel every time you don’t answer.”

  “Look, Natalie, I’m sorry. I know this going to be hard. We’re both going to have to work at this.

  “No, this is something you need to work on. Not us.”

  “You make it sound like this is entirely my fault.”

  She paused for a moment before letting out an exasperated sigh.

  “Well, you’re making this more complicated than it needs to be. Just answer your phone more often.”

  “Look, if you’re going to keep getting nasty about this, then this isn’t going to work.”

  The words spilled out from my mouth before I could stop them.

  “Are you breaking up with me?”

  “All I’m saying is I can’t take the heartache anymore. I can’t be there with you, though I wish like hell I could. And deep down you know that, but you’re too damn stubborn to admit it.”

  “Please…please don’t do this to me,” she said as she choked back tears.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore, Natalie. I don’t want to let you go, but this destroying us both. Surely you can see that.”

  “I guess.”

  “You know I will always love you. But right now, I think this is best for both of us.”

  Her silence said otherwise.

  CHAPTER 17

  _______

  The next morning, I decided to drive my new ride down to our local gym. It wasn’t much of a gym, but I figured as long as it at least had a punching bag, I’d be good to go. I was never the type of guy who craved violence. But now, I wanted to obliterate something. I wanted to scream. I needed a release and a way to channel my anger in a healthier way.

  I was a caged animal; a caged animal desperately clawing at my mental prison, searching for my freedom. I wanted free from the memories, because every time I thought about her, all I could feel was pain.

  I had everything I could’ve ever wanted and it had been ripped from me, leaving me to feel raw and useless.

  With every blow to the punching bag, I tried to keep my mind from replaying the highlight reel in my mind that constantly wanted to play every sweet memory we had.

  I didn’t want the highlight reel to play, because every time I saw her in my mind, it was a glaring reminder of what I was missing. It was a glaring reminder of what I’d never have or feel again.

  I was tired of feeling the stinging sensation in my eyes every time I heard her name or was reminded of anything to do with her.

  “You ok, bud? You seem a little overzealous with that punching bag.”

  “I’m fine,” I grunted.

  “You don’t look fine. Sorry, but I’m not buying that line of bullshit.”

  Sweat dripped from my brow, and white-hot heat pulsated through my veins even after I stopped hitting the bag.

  “What the hell do you want?” I shouted.

  “Well, to be honest, all I want is for you to quit punching that damn bag so hard. I don’t want to have to buy a new one for the gym.”

  Ah, so this mega douche must be the gym owner, I thought.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just pissed off, that’s all.”

  “Could never have guessed. We’re cool, though. I’m Chris, by the way,” he said as he offered his hand.

  “Devin Brandt,” I said as I shook his hand.

  “I think a buddy of mine possibly knows you.”

  “Oh yeah?” I asked incredulously.

  “Yeah, do you know a guy by the name of Travis Jensen?”

  My blood ran cold. Travis was Skye’s psycho, overprotective brother.

  “Yeah, I mean, I know of him. We don’t really hang out.”

  “Oh yeah? He told me you were thinking about dating his sister, or something like that.”

  An uncomfortable feeling settled in my stomach as he spoke the words. No way in hell would I ever date her.

  “No. I can assure you, there’s nothing going on between us.”

  “I could’ve gotten the story mixed up, who knows. Well, if you change your mind, just a little word of caution, he’s very protective of Skye, so keep that in mind.”

  “No worries. I don’t have any interest. I just got out of a relationship. Not looking for another one any time soon,” I said bitterly.

  “I can respect that. I’m not really into all that shit, myself.”

  Of course you’re not, because you’re a douche and would
n’t know what love was if it bit you in the ass.

  “It’s a gamble, that’s for sure,” I said.

  “So is that the real reason you’re so pissed off?”

  “For the most part, yes.”

  “I gotcha,” he said.

  “I better get going,” I said abruptly.

  I wasn’t in the mood for petty small talk, especially from a simple-minded tool that would never understand how I felt in the first place.

  I arrived home to our empty house, thankful for the peace and quiet. My aunt wasn’t going to be back until later; she was out with some of her friends from work for the day.

  After a cool down in the shower, I flopped down on my bed, wondering what I would do to fill my time for the day while she was away.

  My phone vibrated, but it wasn’t Natalie. I didn’t recognize the number, but after reading the preview of the message, I learned exactly who it was.

  It was Skye.

  Hey, it’s Skye. Wanna hang out today?

  I re-read the message a few more times, still in disbelief. How the hell did she get my number? She just wouldn’t leave me alone. I debated for a moment and considered telling her she had the wrong number. I decided against that.

  No. I have a lot to do today.

  It would have to suffice. I immediately blocked her number, not caring about what she might possibly say in response. I wasn’t about to have a conversation with her. Especially after what happened at the diner.

  I pulled open the drawer on my nightstand and retrieved my notebook. Thumbing through the poems I’d written, I felt reality finally set in.

  It was over.

  Never again would I kiss her sweet lips. Never again would I hear her cute little laugh. Never again would I hold her in my arms. We would never be ‘us’ again.

  My beautiful Natalie was gone.

  CHAPTER 18

  Six and a half years later

  _______

  For the most part, my life was essentially back to normal. A new normal, but normal just the same. Things were going as smoothly as one would expect. The pangs of loneliness I had felt for Natalie had subsided for the most part, and the intensity of my misery had dulled to a manageable level.