Behind Brown Eyes Page 6

  I continued working for Tim and became a full-blown mechanic. It wasn’t my dream job, but I didn’t really know what my ideal job would be. I was doing pretty well for myself, and I was okay with it.

  My aunt had remained successful at her job, loving every minute of it. Her circle of friends had continued to grow and grow, and her book club meetings were getting larger as well. She was as social as she’d ever been.

  It was smooth sailing for our ship on our voyage through life.

  That is…until we hit the iceberg.

  CHAPTER 19

  _______

  The red letters of the LED screen were a blur as I woke to the blaring sound of my alarm going off. As I forced myself awake, I took note of the dark house. Why isn’t Christine up yet? I knew something was wrong.

  Half awake, I stumbled out of my room, making my way to hers. The lights were still off. I stood in the doorway, debating whether or not to wake her. If I didn’t, there was a good chance she’d be late for work, and neither of us needed that to happen.

  “Hey.”

  My voice was soft as I nudged her gently in an attempt to wake her. She stirred, and when her eyes opened, she looked surprised.

  “Honey? Is something wrong,” she murmured, still weary from sleep.

  “No, nothing’s wrong. You weren’t up yet and wanted to make sure you were before I left for work.”

  “Oh…oh! Oh my!” she said as she noticed the time on the clock.

  “I don’t want you to be late.”

  “I must not have set my alarm. Honey, would you grab me a pain reliever? I have a pain in my side still. Started last night, and I was hoping I could sleep it off., but all it did was get worse.”

  I rummaged around in her medicine cabinet before finding the bottle. I looked at the clock on the wall in the bathroom, realizing I had a little more time before I had to leave than I thought.

  “Let me grab you a drink of water. Do want me to fix you something to eat really quick before I go?”

  “No, I think I’ll have to pass. I’m just feeling awful.”

  “You really need to eat. I can make you something. It’s no trouble at all.”

  I didn’t like having to talk down to her, but I needed her to understand she shouldn’t be taking anything on an empty stomach.

  “Up to you, honey.”

  While I waited for the waffles to warm in the toaster oven, I poured myself a bowl of cereal. I carefully plucked them from the toaster oven when they were done and debated pouring the syrup on. The last thing she needed was a sugar overload since she wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to forgo it and keep them bland. From the corner of my eye, I saw her take a seat at the table.

  “Here you go,” I said as I bent down and kissed her on the cheek.

  “They smell delicious,” she said as she took the plate from my hand.

  ♥♥♥

  Work went by fast, and throughout the day I couldn’t help but wonder if my aunt was alright. I’d texted her a few times to check in, but she never responded, and that worried me.

  I returned home to a quiet house that evening, which wasn’t uncommon. But the house was dark. The lights were off downstairs, and the familiar smell of dinner cooking wasn’t in the air. I knew my aunt was home, since her car was in the garage.

  Since she hadn’t been feeling well, it was highly unlikely anyone had stopped by to take her somewhere. Something wasn’t right.

  Kicking off my shoes, I trudged upstairs, noticing her bedroom light was on. I tried to walk quietly, but my footsteps echoed in the silence.

  “Devin?” she called as I continued up the stairs.

  Her voice was hoarse and thick with anguish, and anxiety ripped through me to the core. She sounds like she’s in pain, I thought.

  Half afraid of what I would find when I entered the room, I peered around the corner slowly. My aunt’s face was pale, and a cold sweat glistened across her face.

  I rushed to her side, feeling stunned at the sight of such a strong woman looking so frail and weak. She looked like hell.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as I brushed an errant strand of hair away from her damp forehead.

  “Honey, I’m not really sure. I have the most awful pain in my side. My God, this hurts.”

  Her face contorted as she struggled with the agonizing pain, and it was evident needed help badly.

  “Have you felt this bad all day?”

  I couldn’t help feeling somewhat agitated that she hadn’t called to tell me how miserable she’d been feeling. I hated to think she’d been suffering like this the entire all day.

  “I think you need to get to the hospital. Let me take you. We don’t have time to wait for an ambulance.”

  She nodded feebly in response.

  “Swing your legs around if you can, and I’ll help you up.”

  “I don’t know if I can,” she said meekly.

  “Ok, let me help you.”

  I carefully swung her legs over to the side of the bed as gently as I could. She moaned in agony as she tried to stand, and I knew it would be a challenge getting her downstairs. I wrapped one arm around her, situating it underneath her own as we slowly made our way downstairs.

  “I’ve got you, don’t worry,” I said as she gingerly stepped downward.

  “I just don’t understand what’s going on,” she murmured through her tears.

  I knew if she felt this bad, something was terribly wrong. I would do whatever I had to in order to make her feel better.

  Out of breath, I shoved the key in the ignition, and the engine roared to life. If I’d had my way, I would’ve drove thirty miles over the speed limit just to get there faster, but even in a state of sheer pain, my aunt would never have been okay with that.

  A billboard on the highway advertising Ligonier Memorial Hospital displayed the wait time for the emergency room, and I cringed as I read the screen. Fifty-two minutes. Fifty-two minutes that we certainly didn’t have to spare. I kept glancing over at her, making sure was still conscious.

  The ride to the hospital felt like the longest drive ever, despite only being twenty minutes away, and my mind felt like it was racing at the same speed as the car. God only knew what was wrong, but we needed to get some answers.

  The entrance to the emergency room was clearly marked, and I was thankful. The last thing we needed to do would be to run around, unsure of where we needed to go.

  I’d never been to an emergency room before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Despite everything being so hectic, the experience proved not as chaotic as I’d expected. But without a doubt, it went far slower than I would’ve liked.

  ♥♥♥

  “Hello. I’m Doctor Patel, but please, just call me Priya,” she said as she extended her hand to me.

  “Will do. Nice to meet you, Priya,” I said.

  “Ah, so Ms. Dawson, I see you’re having a lot of pain in your abdominal region. Have you been experiencing anything unusual with your bowel movements?”

  “I have. Some days more so than others, but I just thought it was something I ate,” my aunt explained.

  For the next several minutes, Priya asked a series of questions before informing my aunt that they wanted to do a colonoscopy.

  “I think at this moment, this is the best course of action, and it will help us determine where to go from here. We’re going to keep you overnight, and perform a colonoscopy tomorrow,” Priya said.

  I couldn’t help but feel even more worried than I had before arriving at the hospital. Something told me this wasn’t good. Excusing myself to head down to the restroom, I took a walk in an attempt to clear my head.

  I wanted desperately to reach out to talk to someone, but there wasn’t anyone I could turn to. I was in it alone, and the only person I had left in this world was in a hospital bed under duress.

  My thoughts flashed back to Natalie, and in that moment, all I wanted to do was call her, and pour out my every thought to her, which was foolish, reall
y. Yet all I wanted was to hear her soothing voice telling me everything would be okay.

  But that wasn’t an option. It was just pure fantasy.

  Once in the bathroom, I splashed cold water on my face, trying to force myself to focus, and clear my headspace. I had to stay strong for Christine.

  It was the least I could do.

  When I returned back to my aunt’s room, Dr. Patel was still in there talking to my aunt.

  “We should have your results tomorrow,” Dr. Patel said.

  “So there isn’t a way we can expedite this process? We need answers.”

  “I’m so sorry, Mr. Brandt, but there is nothing I can do. We will try to get you an answer as soon as possible.”

  “I hope so. We don’t have an infinite amount of time to sit around and wait.”

  “Mr. Brandt, I assure you they will do the best they can, but--”

  “But, what?” I bristled.

  Once again, my patience was wearing thin. Time was of the essence, and I wasn’t about to let her forget that.

  “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we are a little short-staffed right now, and I--”

  “Look, if at all possible, I’d like to get an answer by tomorrow morning. As early as you can. Please?”

  “I will do my best, Mr. Brandt.”

  CHAPTER 20

  _______

  The next twenty-four hours were nothing short of one giant blur. The colonoscopy was performed per Dr. Patel’s orders, and then the real waiting game began. One way or the other, we would find out what we were dealing with.

  I was impatient. I wanted answers, and I knew my aunt did, too. But I’d been lying if I said that I wasn’t scared. I was very scared. Deathly scared, at that.

  I knew Christine felt the same deep down, but she didn’t allow her emotions to carry her away. Her strength never ceased to amaze me.

  I didn’t dare display my emotions in front of her. It wasn’t that I was uncomfortable showing them; she needed someone to be her rock, and I owed her that. How could I ever support her if was too busy crumbling around her?

  So I shielded her from my tears, saving my breakdowns for the rare moments I was alone. I was strong, but not nearly half as much as she.

  A tall, thin red-haired woman talked into the room, her face weathered from stress. Most likely from her job, I thought.

  “Ms. Dawson?”

  “Yes?” my aunt asked.

  It was rare to ever see my aunt nervous, but in that moment, her anxiety was palpable, as was mine.

  “I’m Dr. Mayer. Please, have a seat,” she said as she motioned for me to sit.

  And then she said the word. The word everyone hates. The word everyone fears.

  Cancer.

  No other word in the English language could cut through me like that.

  I cringed, and a wave of nausea flooded my system. No one ever deserved this, and certainly not my aunt.

  She was a woman who would give anything to anyone, always helping him or her in whatever way she could. And now she was in this alone. True, she had me, and I’d be by her side until the very end. But at the end of the day, she was the one fighting the disease, not me.

  Looking back, nothing seemed out of the ordinary at the time, but now it all made sense. Christine had complained occasionally about feeling fatigued and having abdominal cramps, but those seemed like typical events anyone could experience.

  True, they’d been happening with more frequency lately, but with such generic symptoms, I certainly wouldn’t have jumped to this conclusion.

  Not in a million years.

  “We have a whole team of physicians who will be assigned your case, Ms. Dawson. All of us will have access to your case notes, and we will be meeting next week to discuss what plan of action we think will suit your case best.”

  “Next week? We don’t have that kind of time to work with! That’s not going to work!” I yelled.

  “Mr. Brandt, I am truly sorry, and I understand this is a lot to deal with right now, but that is the earliest that my team will be able to convene.”

  “Where does this leave me?” my aunt chimed in.

  “Now that we’ve reduced your level of pain, it’s likely you’ll be returning home soon. However, once we decide on an appropriate treatment plan, we will refer you to your cancer treatment center on the campus.”

  “And if I refuse treatment?”

  My eyes flew wide open in astonishment as I heard my aunt’s words.

  “You will not do that!” I yelled, exacerbated at her words.

  “Ms. Dawson, we will not force you to do anything you are not comfortable doing. We will, of course, give you our professional opinion, but you are free to make your own personal choices about how you wish to proceed.”

  “She will get treatment. She has to!” I said firmly.

  “Please, honey, I know you’re overwhelmed. We all are,” my aunt interrupted.

  “Ms. Dawson, you will have plenty of time to think on it.”

  “She does not have plenty of time! Damn it, why does everyone think we have an abundance of it? We don’t!”

  “Devin, please,” my aunt begged.

  “Mr. Brandt, I can assure you, we will get through this together. We will support your aunt with whatever she ultimately chooses.”

  Maybe they would. But I wasn’t sure I could do that. I needed her here. I needed her in this life.

  True, it wasn’t my place to decide, but I sure as hell wasn’t ready to let her go.

  After being discharged later that afternoon, Christine was exhausted, and she nodded off as we drove home.

  Part of me was relieved. My mind wildly spun with a million thoughts, and I wasn’t sure of what to say. I knew I was being selfish. But I didn’t want her to go.

  I didn’t want her to suffer. But I also didn’t want to be alone in this world, either. It would be the first time ever that I’d truly be alone.

  And that thought scared the living hell out of me.

  CHAPTER 21

  One week later

  _______

  Living out my day-to-day life had been nothing short of robotic since the diagnosis. It was hard not to harbor ill-feelings, and even harder still to wrap my mind around what the future would be like without Christine.

  I had to prod my aunt just to get her to go to her appointment. It was a crucial appointment, and though she knew deep down she needed to go, she was stubborn about it, nonetheless. I couldn’t blame her, of course.

  For being such a strong woman, her strength had been zapped by a single word: cancer. Once vibrant and resilient, she’d been replaced by a woman who was frail and meek and had a shattered spirit.

  At the end of the day, she was fighting this fight alone, despite being right beside her at all times. I could comfort her, be there for her, and talk to her, but none of those things changed the fact that she was the one fighting the disease, instead of me.

  “Are you sure that appointment was today?” she asked as we ate breakfast.

  “Yes. It is. I double checked the calendar last night,” I said as I motioned toward it.

  “Alright, I was just making sure, honey. Everything has been such a blur, you know?”

  “I know. At least we will get some answers today.”

  I shoved another spoonful of cereal in my mouth despite my lack of appetite. My aunt, as per her new usual, sat picking at her food. I’d made her toast and bacon as she’d asked, but when it came time to eat, she’d said she wasn’t hungry.

  Her stress-induced lack of eating was already taking a toll on her body. I urged her to eat and keep her strength up, but my pleas failed miserably.

  No matter what the treatment plan would be, she would need every ounce of energy she could get to help her body fight. But it was easy to see the fight was already leaving her. One thing was for certain: come hell or high water, I would make sure she went to the appointment.

  ♥♥♥

  “I’m Emily Berkhoff. I’
m one of the other physicians on the team that has been reviewing your case.”

  She paused for a moment, as though she were gathering her thoughts.

  “We have reason to think that it’s most likely spread to other areas of the body, which is proving to be a little daunting in terms of determining a treatment plan. We would like to do two chemotherapy sessions, then review to see if any progress has been made in shrinking the mass.”

  Dr. Berkhoff’s words were slow and deliberate, and I knew she was trying to tread lightly. I was certain this topic was never easy to discuss with a patient.

  Christine nodded in approval, and a few moments passed before she finally spoke.

  “If you don’t see any sign of progress after the two treatments, where does that leave me?” my aunt asked.

  Dr. Berkhoff’s hesitation almost made me wince, and I couldn’t ignore the sick feeling in my stomach.

  “That’s yet to be determined.”

  A chill prickled across my skin as she spoke. I knew what that meant. She didn’t want to come right out and say it, but I knew exactly what she meant. If the two rounds didn’t work, it was back to the drawing board, because, in truth, they just didn’t know.

  Both my confidence and my heart sank, and the realization set in that this wasn’t just a horrible dream we’d wake up from. This was our new reality.

  Physically, my aunt had been in better shape. Her lack of eating wasn’t doing the situation any favors. I worried if she’d be strong enough emotionally to deal with her situation if the treatment didn’t work, and I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough emotionally, either.

  Judging by the empty look on her face, I wasn’t sure was willing to go through it at all, and this would be the hardest pill for me to swallow. I wanted her to at least try.