Behind Brown Eyes Read online

  For all practical purposes, she was my mother. She was the only mother figure that I really I ever knew. She was my rock, and the last bastion of refuge I had against the cold world. And now, our days together were numbered.

  I knew the day would come where I’d have to stand on my own two feet, but I underestimated how soon that day would arrive. The prospect of having to face everything in my life alone is what made me fearful the most.

  CHAPTER 22

  _______

  “I know it’s not what you want to hear. But this my life, Devin. I’m the one fighting this.”

  We’d just arrived home, and I wasn’t wanting to have this conversation so soon.

  “So that’s just it? You’re not going to fight? You’re just…giving up?”

  I slumped down at the kitchen table in disbelief, wondering how we’d sunken to such a low point. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth. She was giving up.

  “Honey, you know it’s not like that. But I’m tired. I know my time here is limited. And to be honest, as much as I don’t want to leave you behind, I know it’s time. I knew from the moment your uncle William passed.”

  “But you’ve seemed so…happy, and content. Have you just been living a lie?”

  “No, no, no, honey. It’s not like that. I have been happy up until this point. But no matter how fulfilled my life may have seemed, it’s never been the same. I’ve never stopped missing him.”

  “So, you’re willing to let yourself die just so you can do that?” I asked bitterly.

  “I know this is hard for you to understand, but I’m ready to go home, and I don’t want you to see me in all this pain. I’m ready to go home to be with the Lord and be with your uncle.”

  “But what about me? I’m not ready to lose you. I’m not going to have anybody left. I’m going to be completely alone.”

  I buried my face into my hands, sobbing. I refused to fight back the tears anymore, and her warm hand reached across the table, touching my arm.

  How can I be okay with her refusing treatment? The thought bounced around in my head and refused to leave. She wanted me to be okay with her decision. Can I really be okay with this?

  “Even if I’m not physically here with you, I will always be nearby. I’ll be watching over you. I’m so proud of you, honey. You’ve become a wonderful young man, and you’re going to go on and live a beautiful, happy life.”

  “You’re not really selling me on it,” I said, still sobbing.

  She rose from her seat and came over to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder as I sat sobbing.

  “I love you, honey. I’ll never stop loving you, even when I’m gone.”

  CHAPTER 23

  Six months later

  _______

  The sun blazed brightly in the sky, peeking through the loosely drawn curtains of my bedroom as my alarm blared.

  Instantly, my stomach lurched. I knew this day had been coming. The days immediately after Christine’s passing were a fog; an unyielding haze that clouded my every thought and my every move.

  My eyes burned as I pushed the curtains aside. There was something disturbing about a beautiful, flawless sky on that day. It seemed so wrong and inappropriate for such a somber day. But in reality, the weather could’ve cared less. The entire world could’ve cared less. Other than our little corner of the world, no one would ever know who Christine Dawson was. She was one person out of billions of people.

  I suddenly felt so small as the thought crossed my mind. Everything seemed so insignificant, and nothing felt like it mattered anymore.

  Her pain was over. Mine was just beginning. I had no say in the matter, and it made my chest ache.

  I turned, staring at my bedroom door for the longest time before collapsing to the floor, wondering how I would move forward. It would’ve been so easy to allow myself to wallow in my pain. But I had an obligation to peel myself up off the floor and trudge forward.

  And trudge, I would. My gait would be slow and unsteady at first, but I’d push through for her, because I knew that was what she would want me to do.

  I got ready slowly, knowing each step was one step closer to seeing her for the last time. Her final words didn’t cease to echo in my mind.

  “Take care of yourself. If not for me, at least do it for yourself, honey. Remember, there’s always two of us who love you.”

  Two of us. Christine never stopped insisting that Natalie still loved me, but I wasn’t convinced. She had to have moved on, and I refused to entertain Christine’s optimism. Surely, she had to have been wrong. After all, Natalie and I hadn’t spoken in years.

  “No, there’s only one woman on this planet who still does. And I wish she didn’t have to leave,” I said as I held her hand in mine.

  Her face was pale and sallow, and her eyes lacked the energy and enthusiasm they once had.

  “There are two. I know you still love Natalie. And I know she still loves you. I know you refused to talk about it anymore, but you need to go back for her. This has been eating you alive. You’ll never be able to forgive yourself if you don’t, honey.”

  She was right. I would never forgive myself of that.

  CHAPTER 24

  _______

  The room was suffocating with the heavy scent of flowers, and while I received more hugs than I was comfortable with, I was grateful for the outpouring of support. It seemed the whole town was there, filling up the room with their love as they shared their memories of my aunt with myself and with each other.

  In a way, the day was exactly what she would’ve wanted. It was more of a celebration of her life than dwelling on her absence. She wanted to leave our physical world in peace and leave a positive impact. And she did just that.

  Though it was unnerving to see her lifeless body resting in the cushioned lining, there was something strangely serene about the look permanently on her face. At the end of the service, I looked at her one last time, realizing this was the end of the line. The time had come to say my final goodbye.

  “You can stay as long as you need to. We don’t have any other services today, so take all the time in here you need,” the funeral director said.

  “I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” I said, choking back tears.

  “I understand, Mr. Brandt. Let me walk you out.”

  My feet felt heavy in my dress shoes as we walked out of the room. I didn’t dare to look back. I didn’t want my final memory of my aunt to be the closing of her casket.

  “Mr. Brandt, I am so sorry for your loss. If there’s anything you need assistance with at all, please don’t hesitate to call us,” he said as he shook my hand.

  The ride back to my aunt’s house was long. It was a sunny day, and the brightness made me ache even more. It would seem more fitting for it to be gloomy, cloudy, rainy day.

  But instead, it was a sunny, clear sky day, and I knew I’d never think of a cloudless sky the same way again.

  CHAPTER 25

  _______

  “You really sure you want to do this?” Tim asked.

  “Yeah. I think it’s time. It’s time to go back. To my old home, that is.”

  “Sounds a little like you’re running away with your problems a bit, if you ask me. But I’m not judging. You need to do what works for you.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate it. I just need a fresh start. I figured with the money my aunt left me I have more than enough to move back home now. And maybe a different car.”

  Tim feigned a sad look.

  “Ah, what’s the matter? Old Goldie not doing it for you, anymore?”

  “Well, she’s getting up there in age. Figured it’s time to trade her in and get my dream car.”

  “Yeah, I know. A Mustang GT, right?”

  “Yep. Glad to see you still remember,” I teased.

  “Well, of course. We’re Ford people. I sure as hell wouldn’t forget that. So, have you picked out a place to live?”

  “Not quite. I’m still doing a litt
le research. I’m actually craving city life again. It’s nice out here and all, but I’m ready for a change.”

  “And that’s where we part ways, my friend,” he chuckled.

  “I know. You hate city life.”

  “For me, it’s not my speed. But, like I said, you need to do what works for you.”

  “It’ll be a nice change of pace.”

  “What about that girl? What was her name? Natalie?”

  “What about her?” I asked, a bit puzzled.

  “You gonna reach out to her?”

  “I might. I don’t know. I’ll see when I get there. My aunt told me before she passed that she wanted me to try and reach out to Natalie.”

  “Well, if Christine told you that, you’d better listen. She was one hell of a smart woman. Don’t disappoint her.”

  “I won’t.”

  CHAPTER 26

  One month later

  _______

  “I just need one more signature, and you’re good to go. I’ll get you the keys.”

  I wrote my final signature, and the next chapter of my life began.

  I thought the move my aunt and I had to make was difficult. Little did I know seven years later I’d be making another move again, with another hole in my chest, this time for a different reason.

  True, I’d wanted to return home. But for the first time in my life, I was truly alone. Alone, and afraid, to be exact.

  A new chapter had to begin, and a fresh start needed to be made.

  “Let me take you up to your new apartment,” Rebecca said.

  She led the way as we headed to the elevator. My new apartment was seven floors up, but the ride up to the seventh floor was shorter than I’d anticipated.

  “We’ll just take a right, and about halfway down the hallway your apartment will be on the left.”

  “Awesome,” I said dryly.

  I managed to offer her a smile, but the look in her eyes told me she wasn’t convinced.

  “Well, we are here. Go ahead and try the door. The lock should be okay, but I just want to be sure.”

  The door unlocked with ease. Spanning in front of me were large floor-to-ceiling windows displaying the expanse of the city. Despite the view being so stunning, but something didn’t feel right. A dull ache consumed my chest, and I wondered if I’d ever feel whole again. Would there ever come a day where my heart didn’t ache?

  It dawned on me once more how alone I really was. That overwhelming feeling kept coming in waves, and it had been coming in waves periodically every single day since my aunt had passed.

  I knew I should’ve been more excited than I was. This was my first place of my own. Every decision from the plates I wanted to eat off of, to the paintings I wanted on the wall, would be made by me.

  “It’s a beautiful view, isn’t it?” she asked.

  “Yes. Yes, it is.”

  “Well, if you need anything, please feel free to call down to the desk. Usually, Mrs. Worthington is there, and if not her, someone else will be. There is someone there twenty-four hours a day.”

  The sound of her heels clomping on the marble floor echoed loudly out in the hallway, making me question how quiet it was going to be in my apartment once I shut the door.

  I stood in the entryway for a long moment taking everything in. The moving crew would be arriving soon to drop off my belongings, but in the meantime, I had nothing but time to kill.

  Deciding I didn’t want to stand there in the vast, empty space that was now my home, I set out to explore the apartment building a little more.

  I reached the main floor, and the lobby was very much alive and bustling. It was mid-morning at that point. Many of them, presumably, were coming and going to their jobs.

  The strong aroma of coffee wafted through the air, and I realized the smell was coming from the little coffee bar in the lounge area. The lounge area was a cozy little place, complete with plush seating, a large flat screen television that hung above the fireplace. I easily imagined myself spending some time down there, especially in the winter. Then again, I wouldn’t have a need; I had a fireplace of my own now in my apartment.

  Still, it was a nice area for entertaining and would be a great spot for a family to gather. Family. The word popped into my head and struck a chord with me as I felt a pang of heartache settling back into my chest once more. There wouldn’t be any family coming here to visit me.

  No family, and at the present moment, no real friends that would be coming over, either. And no girlfriend. The thought echoed in my mind. I need to try and reach out to Natalie, I thought.

  I headed over to the coffee bar and poured myself a cup of black coffee. A newspaper sat unfurled on the counter, and I stole a cursory glance at it before picking it up and taking it with me.

  The glass door adjacent to the seating area opened. I peered up from behind the newspaper and noticed a tall, blonde woman who had walked in. Not Natalie, I noted to myself.

  I needed to stop, but I couldn’t get her out of my head. I pulled out my phone but put it down, suddenly doubting myself and having second thoughts.

  The phone rang, and it jolted me out of my reverie.

  “Hi, is this Devin Brandt?” a male voice asked.

  “Yes.”

  “This is John White from Movers and Shakers. We should be at the complex in about ten minutes.”

  “Great. Thank you.”

  I decided to stay put since I knew they’d be arriving soon.

  “Are you waiting on someone?”

  An older woman made her way towards me from the coffee bar.

  “No, just the moving company,” I said with a smile.

  There was something about the woman that made me feel at ease, as though I could talk to her about anything.

  “Well, the way you’ve been gazing out that window so longingly, I thought for sure it would be someone a touch more exciting than that,” she said cheerfully.

  “Sadly, no. So you must be Mrs. Worthington?”

  “Why, yes, I’m so sorry. Where are my manners? I should’ve introduced myself. Though, you obviously already know. Who was the little birdie that told you that?” she asked as she took as a seat next to me on the couch.

  “Rebecca told me. I’m Devin Brandt, by the way,” I said as I extended my hand to her.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Brandt. Your last name…it’s of German descent isn’t it?”

  “Yes. Yes, in fact, it is. How did you know?”

  “I have a fair amount of German heritage in my family.”

  “Well, it looks like they are here.”

  “I’ll go with you, Mr. Brandt. They’ll need instruction on where to go.”

  Mrs. Worthington followed me out, the sun glaring in our faces, and I silently cursed myself for not having brought my Ray-Bans with me.

  “Good morning. You’ll need to pull around to the back of the building you can access the service elevator.”

  The next few hours were spent hauling everything up seven floors to my living space. Before the move, I labeled each box with what its destination room would be, which made it easier to sort everything out.

  By mid-afternoon, a fair amount of the work had been done, and I took a short break to grab a bite to eat before plunging back into the unpacking.

  ♥♥♥

  I’d just settled into bed when I heard my phone go off. Who could it be at this hour? I talked to so few people anymore. Checking the display, I saw it was Dana.

  How did your move go? Sorry I couldn’t have helped you.

  I lazily typed back, purposely keeping my response brief. I wanted to sleep. I wasn’t up for having a long conversation.

  Went well. Heading to bed now.

  I switched the ringer to silent and buried myself back into my pillow. The loneliness returned again as I looked over, noticing I was alone. I felt foolish, considering I always slept alone. It was nothing new. Yet there I was, feeling dejected.

  My thoughts drifted again to Nata
lie, and for a moment, I closed my eyes, imagining her lying next to me, her soft curls splayed across the pillow. I imagined what it would be like to fall asleep holding her in my arms all the while. Such a beautiful fantasy, I thought.

  A beautiful fantasy that I hoped someday would come true.

  CHAPTER 27

  _______

  Seven years had passed since I’d last seen Natalie. Despite the passage of time, there was always a dull ache in my heart whenever I thought about her.

  I decided it was time. Some of the final words my aunt had spoken to me about Natalie were still ringing in my head.

  “Honey, you have to try. If you want to spend the rest of your life with her, then one of the two of you has to make that first step. It’s better to try and not succeed, then not try at all, and regret it forever.”

  I missed both of them like hell, and I knew my aunt would want me to reach out to Natalie, even if it was a long shot. She knew how much I loved her.

  I’d typed out probably a dozen messages before figuring out exactly what I wanted to say. Not knowing what her personal situation was, I kept things casual. No confession of undying love, no going over the top; just a purely casual message.

  Hi, Natalie. Join me for coffee this morning? Wanted to catch up.

  I let the message sit for several seconds before finally deciding to hit send. Inhaling a deep breath, I watched as the display read ’delivered,’ and I wondered how long it would be until I heard back.

  New waves of apprehension coursed through my body as each minute passed. Maybe this is a shitty idea, I thought. There was a chance Natalie didn’t care anymore, and the thought of that made my heart ache with worry.

  Twenty minutes went by, and still no word from Natalie. I silently cursed myself. It was stupid to think after all this time that she’d still want to speak to me. I knew she’d been devastated, and she was never one to forgive people very easily. It would take a miracle for her to forgive me.